I Didn't Think I Had the Right to Grieve
Updated: Feb 13, 2022
My story is about grief for the baby I never had.
My story on grief and infertility.
It has been a journey that I didn’t have a say in. If I had the chance to be asked, Hey Mericia do you want to go through a period of grief, sporadic tears, crying at a mother's day event at church, or when you hear your sister-in-law is pregnant with her 4th pregnancy that happens to be twins, but don’t forget walking down the isle of a grocery store and hearing a little girl yell mommy as you pass by, just to name a few tearful events, I would say No!!!!
My husband and I have been married for five years now, and we have tried to conceive for about three years. We decided we wanted to be married for at least two years before bringing a child into the marriage. I wanted to be financially, mentally, and emotionally ready. I thought having a child was a serious decision and wanted to be prepared for the life-changing event. When I was ready, I was ready. I wanted it to happen like yesterday. Don't laugh, but when we first tried to conceive, I just knew I would be pregnant, like a day or two later. I told my husband, I think I'm pregnant, and he said don’t you need to wait for a while and test for that first. I was like, what did he know. Well, needless to say, I wasn't pregnant. The news came around the same time we were shopping for diapers for a baby shower. While at the store trying to pick diapers, the tears and the emotions first revealed themselves. I didn’t know there would be more to come. I was exhaling while I wrote.
Fast forward...We are currently going through the foster care program to adopt. Through this process, I was faced again with the reality that I could not bear a child. The tears became uncontrollable every time I talked about the foster care process. I would start to tear up every time with anyone. I would always excuse it and downplay it by saying it's my hormones, it’s the time of the month, and oh, that don't mind me; I'm okay, I don't know why I am crying. I had an ah-ha moment; I wasn't okay.
I was home alone one day and found myself yelling, screaming, and crying and coming to the realization for the first time I had been grieving. I thought I didn't have the right to grieve because I didn’t' physically lose a child, I didn't miscarry, so why am I weeping? I was in denial and didn’t know it yet. But it makes sense why I didn't realize it because I am a woman of faith, and I am a strong woman. Putting myself in those categories caused me not to permit myself to grieve.
But I thank God for placing in my life women who have been through the journey before me who can relate, uplift, encourage and offer words of comfort. I realize those who didn't go through infertility don't know how to help even with the best intentions.
I have now permitted myself to be angry, cry, and heal. I am healing.